Thursday, March 5, 2015

The Story of Phoenix and the Runaway Stairclimber

As an early gym go-er, there tends to be an elite group that comes every day. Sure there are new people here and there but there's a solid crew of us that are always there -rain, sleet, snow. We're like freaking mail-men.

And over the past two years, those I don't know personally, I've unknowingly developed their characters in my mind.

Some of them you've met here before, like.....

The super hot gym boy that I say hi to every morning. I believe we've conquered every version of "hello" there is....oh  except for "hey, wanna go out?!"

And there's my Detroit friend who always gives me a high five when I don my Tigers hat and we talk about what a sad city Detroit is.

Then there's my old man gym friend who occasionally sings me songs in the middle of the gym,....because that's comfortable. 

 It's all my mad game that brings the boys to the yard ladies...and by boys I mean 78 year olds with liver spots.

Then there's the rest....and this one girl in particular. She's not a regular - her and her boyfriend come maybe once every two weeks. But she is stunning. She's clearly one of God's chosen since she only rarely frequents the gym yet has a rocking body. I imagine she has a hip name like Phoenix or Allegra. And she always has the most perfect pony. My perfect pony tail always occurs between the hours of bedtime and wake-up time. 


I digress.....

It was earlier in the week when the duo resurfaced at the gym. And as I watched them ascend the stairs from my place on the stairclimber, it became clear they were going to stair climb as well. And they chose the two treadmills directly next to mine. The pressure was on to be cool! 

So there we were...just me, Phoenix and the boyfriend all stair climbing in a row. I had been going strong for about four minutes at that point when, all of a sudden, I felt like my stairs were moving faster. I hit the "slower" button but noticed I could no longer see the pace number. Then they started moving faster....and faster....and faster. And before I knew it, I was Barney Rubbling on the stairs. 

The stairs kept speeding up until I was forced to grab the side rails and lift myself up since my feet could no longer keep up. I immediately realized  this was a position that could not be maintained long ("WHY don't I lift heavier weights than 5 pounds?!!") As I sprinted up the stairs I tried to frantically press the "down speed" button....nothing. I pulled the emergency STOP cord...nothing. 

And then it happened.

As Phoenix took her steps in stride on her non-demonized stairclimber, glimmering sweat on her forehead and probably rocking out to some cool Indy band, I jumped and flung myself backwards off the stairs. My ear buds went right, my iphone went left and the stairs kept spinning by. 

Phoenix casually looked over her shoulder to see what all the commotion was about and whispered something to her boyfriend. I imagine it was something to the effect "What is that girl doing?! Hasn't she ever climbed a stair before?" Facepalm. 

Not only was I not cool I couldn't even operate basic gym equipment. To make matters worse, some burly man jumped on my abandoned stair climber minutes later and used it problem free. Way to kick a girl while she's down dude. I quickly grabbed my strewn out belongings and moved to something I knew I could manage.....the floor mat. 

And that, my friends, is the story of Phoenix....and the runaway stairclimber. 

The End.



Maggie said...

Hilarious. That sounds like me in every way. There are a couple of the barbie gym goers at my gym too. I dislike them greatly just on principal.

Pamela said...

oh my gosh hahaha! You are crazy! I want to go to a gym but things like this intimidates me!

choose to be happy blog said...

hahaha you are the best. i was picturing it in my head. stuff like that happens to me ALL THE TIME. even when im walking in flat shoes i stumble over my feet.... i meaaaaaaaaan i really need to channel the phoenix's cooleness

P!nky said...

Ooooh girl i am cringing and giggling at the same time. So sorry you had to deal with that, gym equipment is awful!

Kayla MKOY said...

Hahahha that is both hilarious and uncomfortable!! How horrible that it just kept going faster?! What in the world?!! Is that her in that photo?!! Why does she look so good?! Now I'm jealous. But girl, you're amazing. You're a beast in that gym it sounds like!

Alex said...

bahahaha you poor thing!!

Fit With Flash said...

Ish like that always happens when there are cooler people nearby. Sorry, buddy! At least you didn't fall on the ground...