Tuesday, June 19, 2012

When your body lets you down....

I remember the day clearly.
It was a Wednesday, 2:30ish pm about 6 weeks ago and it was during a client call at work.
I reached up to tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear and ran my hand down my neck and that's when I felt it.
A lump.
And I just knew then that it was not nothing.
I am the farthest thing from a hypochondriac
But for some reason that day, I had a feeling this was not something insignificant 

The day ended with me at urgent care followed by a battery of blood work, ultrasounds and a handful of doctors appointments.


Ya'll, do you know how weird and surreal it is to be sitting in front of a doctor who's saying words like "cancer" and "survival rates".....and they're in reference to you?! It's weird!


And at the end of bouncing around from one doctor with an unpronounceable last name to the next, the diagnosis is that said lump is too large to biopsy.
So come out it must. 

And honestly, if I can be candid, I'm just mad at my body. 

I funnel mass amounts of water down it daily
I feed it good things (ok and maybe some oreos but whatever)
I work out and run so that it's strong and fit

I do all these things to take care of it and somehow I feel betrayed by it. Like it let me down.


And I can tell you that I'm not excited about the 3 inch scar across my neck
I'm not excited about not working out for 2 weeks
I'm not excited about missing work
I'm not excited to learn what exactly is inside 
I'm not excited about the ridiculously absurd and scary consent form I had to sign 
and I'm realllllllly not excited about playing the wait-and-see game with my weight. 


I am however excited for the awesome pain med prescriptions I got. 
I kid, I'm actually one of those people that rarely take medication 


Looks like the summer scarf and I will be making a big comeback in 2012....watch out fashion bloggers! 


------------------
Of course this seems big to me since the last time I was in a hospital for me is when I was born BUT people have this procedure done every day and I'm sure things will be juuuust fine! 

I'm not a big sharer when it comes to truly personal stuff but I decided to share this with you all because the blog community (which seems like such an impersonal name for what you all really are to me) have become some of my greatest friends and biggest support system in life. Not to mention so many real life friends (and family) that have been so amazing!


Most importantly, I know that this will all turn out just as God intended! 


(I can promise you this....this blog will not become a place of surgery updates and goiter slides.
This is a life update post. Period).


Happy posting will resume tomorrow!


Love you muffinheads!
XO, A




77 comments:

PrettyPhysicist said...

I know how you feel ... that your body has let you down. But I'm here for you, and I'll be by your side through it all. Hell, I'll fly to Atlanta if you want someone there with you. I'm here for you thick or thin, friend. :) Love you!

Mariah said...

Loving you lots Ashley- All the way from China!

Pamela said...

Praying!!

Jamie said...

Crossing my fingers and toes that it is nothing significant or harmful. Please dont worry about making your blog a sad, scary post. Share whatever you feel like. Hugs.

Whitney said...

Saying an extra prayer for you this morning! Gods plan is so confusing and unpredictable sometimes, and i pray that he shows you his reason through all of this. You're a fighter, and all of the things you've done to help our body will pay off! Promise!! Xoxo

Rorie said...

Ohhh sending lots of prayers that it is nothing and just a random bump, but I had a similar feeling the other day, but I tend to be a hypochondriac!!

AlliFerg said...

Haha, oreos and water. My two favorite food groups ;)
Thinking of you and looking forward to some good biopsy results!

Angel said...

so umm i'm really sorry for the ridiculously long message yesterday. i don't blame you if you don't read it.. it can all be said over the phone in a few minutes. ;)
keep me updated on anything and everything and i love and miss you so much!
and on a happy note... 800 followers!! whoohooo!

Jenna said...

Sending lots of positive vibes and good thoughts your way - will be keeping you in my prayers :) The waiting game is so nerve wracking - but like you said just try and remember that it will almost definitely be ok and that everything will work out the way god intends. Hang in there girly :)

xxx
Jenna

Courtney said...

Oh how scary! I will be thinking about you and praying it is all ok. I know it will be.

Shannon said...

My stomach flopped when I read this. I'm so sorry you're going through this. And yes, you ARE the healthiest blog-lady I read so I completely understand why you're mad at your body.

It just isn't fair.

I'll be thinking about you and sending tons of positive thoughts your way.

And if anyone can rock a summer scarf, it will be you!

Stephanie said...

Sending prayers your way! Please keep us posted.

P!nky said...

<3 <3 PRAYERS <3 <3

Heather (GurleeGirrl) said...

One - props to you for actually GOING to the doctors!! Most people ignore these types of things hoping they go away. Glad you didn't.

I'm sending you many prayers and good thoughts! An no worries about the scar - you are beautiful inside and out and a scar can't change that :)

Katie said...

Oh girl...praying for you! Hopefully the test comes out squeaky clean, and if not, God'll work it all out :) And really, you're gonna rock that summer scarf!!!

Katie said...

Sending you lots of love and prayers!!

I had back surgery in the summer a few years ago, and bought a sunblock stick to protect the scar.. if you keep it outta sunlight for a year or two, it will fade right in with your skin.. promise!

Plus.. battle scars are hot :)

Young and Fabulous said...

I love you Ashley! you know we are alll here for you :-) And I agree with jess...i fill fly to HotLanta for you any day any time!!

i know that you will be 10000% okay and you're so right...itll turn out just as God intended it to! You're such a strong person and I know you are going to get through this like a pro!

and hey...think of your time off from work and such time to watch re-runs of G&B, and every episode of housewifes :-) PLUS..our group chat will make sure to keep your mind off the yucky things!

LOVE YOU! PRAYING FOR YOU BABY G!

xoxox

Nhart said...

I had a scare like this a few months ago.when I had lymph nodes on my neck the size of soft balls. We thought I have lymphoma, turns out it was just mono. I work got cancer specialists so it didn't help that I knew slut about the disease. Hopefully it will be nothing. If you have any questions please feel free to contact me

J and A said...

Well I will be thinking of you. I so know what you mean about you body letting you down. It's soooo frustrating. But stay strong and embrace that scare! Bad ass!!

Rissy said...

I hope you know how loved you are sweet girl... and I don't just mean by your IRL friends. I consider you a close friend, and I hurt for you having to go through this. You are so incredibly strong, and I'm still mad at Dr. Insensitivity for making this even worse for you. I may need his address.... jk ; )

But seriously... I'll wear summer scarves with you all summer and text you ALL DAY while you can't work. Yep... that'll work : )

LOOOOVVEEE YOOOUUU


CarissaExplainsItAll

Jewels said...

I just experienced this with my dad starting August of last year. He had never been in the hospital never got sick except maybe once every few years. He had a lump on his neck and was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. My whole family was scared we had never gone through anything like this before. But my dad was so tough and had his angels watching over him. By February of this year he was pretty much back to normal after 7 weeks of chemo and radiation. This past weekend he was out doing his normal thing and building a fence all by himself.
So just keep strong if it comes down to that and I hope you have good results.

Sarah said...

Wow girl. I have total respect for the way you've responded to the situation. I would've never even guessed something like this was on your mind when we met. Praying for you pretty girl. I know everything is gonna be ok :) You may not post it on your bloggy but you will be receiving some textssss checking in on you :) xoxo

shay said...

thanks for sharing something so personal. just know there are tons of blog friends out there for you to vent to, if you need it.

you're in my prayers that it turns out to be nothing! :)

megan said...

Thinking super duper positive thoughts for you, lady! :)

Samantha said...

Praying! Because you're in such good shape your body should respond better after surgery :)

Ashley Slater said...

I felt the exact same why when I was diagnosed with lupus........just disappointed in myself, which is crazy! I know that everything is going to be fine, and you will be able to manage things post surgery, they have really great medications these days.... can you even imagine how people who have no faith or relationship with God deal with things like this?! I know you are strong and can handle it, wish I could come down and be there for you! Actually, I may be in town in September!!

love you ash!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KatyK said...

I'll be praying for you dear. I love reading your blog for all the fun stories, the inspiration for me to get off my butt and workout, and just your general sweet nature. (U've left me some of the sweetest comments.) It has to be hard feeling you've done all the right things, and something can still go wrong with your body. There are a lot of people that love and support you, both in the blog community and IRL (I'm sure :))

Ashley said...

Oh my goodness, Ash! I just read this! You will be in my thoughts and prayers for sure! I will be thinking about you, girl xoxoxoxo

Alex said...

Praying for you, Ashley! And hey...summer scarves are cool! :)

jayme said...

i kept it on the dl but i just had 8 (yes, eight) things removed on my neck and stomach. i am certain yours will come back the same as mine... all okay.

i will of course be thinking of you and praying and sending positive vibes your way. and duh, 3 inch scars are hotttt. trust me, i have two very visible on my neck. ;) dash loves you no matter what, and so does my brother. and BE. and ME!!!!

i love you girl and i'm so thankful the blog world can provide support for you. you're an incredible friend!

LOVELOVE!

Carly Ann said...

Oh gosh Ashley, what a nightmare! Thanks for sharing this with us. Sending good thoughts your way!

Alicia @ To Columbus and Beyond! said...

Oh Ashley I'm thinking about you girl. My little brother has a mass on his brain & he's only 22! He is so active, does everything right... And his body has failed him.
Saying prayers to you & hoping giuliana rancic swings by your room to say get well :)

Beth said...

I don't have a blog, (i'm not much of a writer)I follow your blog/twitter & wanted to let you know I think you're brave for telling your story. Most likely, I would have shut down the blog & closed myself off!

I hope your wait isn't too long and you receive good news in the end!

Sending hugs and oreos from MD!

Sami said...

Oh my goodness sweet girl I am so sorry that you are going through this! I am so glad you decided to share because you need to know all of the ladies that have your back! I am thinking about you and hoping that this is nothing and you will be back in action in no time. I think Alicia is right.. let's start a tweet frenzy to get Giuliana to send her well wishes ;) Keep your chin up lady!! xoxo

Julie @ The Smitten Mintons said...

You know I'm here for you! We are a wealth of information as you know, so don't hesitate to call if you have any more questions. And call that doctor- my mom's scar is only just over an inch so it's not as bad as you think it will be. And let me know when your next appointment is...if I'm still in town I'm going with you! :) I love you sweet friend and am so glad I got to see you last night!

Alice said...

Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.

Sarah said...

Oh, sweet girl, that stinks! But I know you'll be fine through it all. You take care of your body and are one of the strongest people I know! I'm praying hard and trusting God to get you through! Let me know if you need anything. I will legit get in the car and be there in an hour. Love you!

Erin said...

You're pretty much amazing and brave for sharing this on your blog... and I'm honestly so glad you did, because you better believe your name is going down on my list of prayers to remember daily! *hugs* from Ohio!!!

Chelsea Coleen said...

This made my heart drop. Ash!! I totally get your frustration. But I also think your attitude is really awesome. Positive thoughts are really the only thoughts you need in your head and maybe this verse.. “be strong and courageous, do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9. my saving grace. That verse helps me a lot, mainly something I say to myself a lot during baseball season which really seems small in relation to this. I love you and I’m here! and GIRL!!!! urban outfitters came out with the CUTEST summer scarves. I am OBSESSED. Like walked into perimeter mall the other day and felt my heart beating fast because I was so excited. I want them all: http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/category.jsp?id=W_ACC_SCARVES <--- all at perimeter :)

Brittany Campbell said...

Ashley, I went through that same exact process about two years ago. I found a lump on the side of my breast and my GYN couldn't see on the ultrasound what it was or was not so after seeing a breast cancer specialist they told me the same thing as you...they didn't know what it was so they have to remove it. I had the surgery (and I am terrified of needles/hospitals!) so I was a grown 22 year old crying in the hospital over an IV but it was over before I knew it. Turns out it was just a fibrous mass (not cancer) and I was so relieved. it was a terrifying month. The not knowing is the worst, on top of the scary surgery. I will be thinking of you and wishing you the best. Recovery was not fun but at least your friends and family get to cater to you for a while ;) positive thoughts! Hang in there!

Katie said...

ashley I am proud of you for sharing this! I know it is scary to put your fears out there but there is so much encouragement and prayers and support that you need! for a different reason I can relate to you about the two weeks plus of not working out - I realized what a somewhat obsession and fear I have of not having control over my body and exercise. and what will happen if I don't do it. I'm thinking I will have to learn something from that part? I will be praying for you and thinking about you lots (and I mean that). And if you don't update your blog you should probably email me and update me. : )

Alyssa said...

This brought me right back to the day when I found my lump! It actually gave me chills. You are in my prayers! I know everything will go so smoothly and well for you!

Lindsay said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. I'll be praying for a successfull surgery and a healthy outcome! It such a struggle to know that sometimes you just don't have any control over these things. For the last month I've been dealing with kidney stones (been to the ER twice and doing tons of testing)...it's so painful and uncommon for someone of my age so it's frustrating to not know why it's all happening. Hang in there, all that hard work and being the healthy gal you are will help! Thanks for sharing with us. xo

Brittanie said...

I am soooooo sorry you have to go through this! Definitely sending the best vibes!

Let me know where I can send the oreos!

P.S. Scarves look good no matter the season!

Beka said...

best of luck with the surgery! I will be keeping you in my prayers!

Mrs. Pancakes said...

i know what you mean about your body letting you down...i felt the same way when i found out i had tyhroid cancer...im sure everything will turn out well...God is good!! Sending you positive thoughts!!!

Cori H. said...

Oh no, girl! I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. You will definitely be in my prayers! I hate when our bodies let us down, especially when we try to take such good care of them.

Ashley said...

It seems as those who appreciate their bodies the most, those who treat them the best and as they deserve...get treated unfairly with something like this! However, seeing as you've treated your body soo good, you'll bounce back in no time and that silly old lump is going to regret ever messing with you :-)

I hope you update us with how you are feeling, and how everything went(just fine, obviously!). You're in my thoughts girl!

Britt said...

Thank God you found it! Extra prayers being sent your way that it is nothing major. Hopefully you will have a fast and easy recovery.

Amber said...

I always hate to hear things like this. I know it is hard to share with so many people that you know, much less those that you don't really know. Sending prayers your way and hoping the results are positive. You will definitely rock the summer scarfs well...I think Carissa has a few ways to wear them up on her blog today! ;)

Kelly { MessyDirtyHair } said...

you are so strong. sending many prayers & good thoughts your way. you can do this girl!

xoxo

Rach @ This Italian Family said...

Oh girl, that's so scary! I am so glad that you discovered it and that you will have it taken out soon. Prayers for you for sure!

Amber said...

I am so glad you went right in to have it checked out! Too many people would have ignored it, or thought it was "no big deal". I hope it really is "nothing", or something minor, but as you said, it always works out the way it should, even if we don't understand it at the time.

I will be praying for you, Girlie!!!

Emily grapes said...

I think its big to anyone! I have no doubt it would freak me out and I've been in and out of the hospital enough times!!

I would hate the waiting, but I hope they're able to get it all and leave you free of anything cancer!

And just think of the scar as a battle wound!...or eventually when you can get to that point. :)
Emily at Amazing Grapes

Kyndi said...

I'm praying for you, Ashley!

Virginia said...

I'm crossing my fingers that it is something that can easily be taken care of! I'll be thinking of you daily! Don't be too worried about a scar! You can think of an awesome story to tell people..like you stopped a gang fight in a bar and got cut with a bottle while stopping it...or the truth..your choice ;)

MJ @ Teaching in Heels said...

Sending you love and positive thoughts girl!! :)

Brianna said...

Awww honey, you'll be in my thoughts & prayers!! It will all be fine (: xoxo

Cate said...

Praying that everything goes smoothly .

Michaela said...

Oh, Ashley, I'm so sorry. This must be scary for you. I have a dr. appt I'm not too excited about tomorrow either :( I will be praying for you, friend. Know that God is always faithful to those who love and serve Him, whatever the outcome may be. When is the surgery? And what is your address?

Shug in Boots said...

prayers and happy thoughts.

Sabrina Says said...

Ashley. This is so touching. P.S. this is Sabrina and Raven.

I am so proud to call you my friend. You are so sweet and kind and strong

You deserve the world.

It's so unfair that this is happening to you.

And Scars are beautiful. Trust me, I have plenty.


And it is SO scary for the words cancer and death to come up in reference to yourself because those are thing you NEVER want to associate personally.

But you are SO strong. You are SO amazing. And you have a full life to live and a full heart to give.

We both love you so much!

We're here for you anytime!!

<3 Raven and Sabs

Katy said...

Thinking positive thoughts for you during this scary time. Best wishes!

mollymeetschicago said...

coincidentally, I'm going through something similar right now. Its like you turn 26, go in to the doc for you regular check up and BAM. life changed. I still don't have a diagnosis, but I hope it all turns out well! All i can do right now is monitor my symptoms, I'd rather just have an answer!

Good luck!

Elissa said...

sending prayers your way! your words on your feelings on the situation are so true and understandable.

-Elissa

Sara Louise said...

Sending you loads of French hugs! OOO

Katie said...

Ash, I'm so sorry about this. I know you will make it through this and be stronger than ever because that's how you roll! I will be praying for you ALL the time, just as you did for my knee. It meant the world to me and so do you. PS-IF ANYONE can rock a summer scarf, it's you. No doubt.

Love you!

Megan said...

Definitely praying for you, friend!! Our bodies DO fail us, but that's okay because God redeems us!! Love you!!

Hillary said...

I haven't commented before but am DEFINITELY praying for you! Thank you SO much for sharing something so personal! You are such a great example to others.

Angie said...

I somehow missed the last few posts and am just now getting caught up. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. *hugs*

meghan said...

I am so sorry Ashley! That is so scary. I'm going to send you an email, because I've got something similar going on and maybe we can help each other out. :)

Katie said...

Oh my goodness. That sounds scary! I'm so sorry, lady! I'll be praying for you. It'll be all ok.

I had to have a lump on my side/armpit-chest area removed last year. It was thankfully a benign breast mass. I know how scary any surgery can be. I was told Vitamin E capsules should be cut in half and put on scars a few times a day and that it should help it fade and not develop scar tissue.

Sorry for such a long comment, sending you good thoughts and prayers!

lifeinheelsblog.com said...

hey doll, i am SO sorry to hear about this! i got teary reading it!!! prayers!!

Tiffany said...

Oh, Ashley. Bless your heart. I'm so sorry! Thyroid? I had some problems a couple years ago and it was awful and scary, but ended up just find. I'm sure yours will be the same! Saying a prayer for you!

~Tiffany
http://tiffanyd22.blogspot.com

Whitney @ Everything Happens For a Reason said...

Thinking of you girl!

Vickie said...

thinking of you and wishing you the best!!

Ashley said...

oh, ash...i'm thinking and praying for you sweet girl.

your outlook and attitude towards this situation could not be better. ya know what i mean, right? ;)

there certainly is a purpose for this and God will reveal that in due time. i know you will trust and look to him for guidance.

my eyes started watering as i read this...if though we've never met, i still see you as a friend! :)

praying, thinking and sending you hugs!!