Wednesday, November 2, 2011

That Time I Wrote About Looks

I write all the time….literally. Inspiration usually hits me after I’ve shut my computer off so I’ll blog in bed on my phone or old school style with notes on paper. So I was sifting through my 90 plus unpublished posts the other day that never got posted either because I didnt' finish them or I felt like they were too catty, racy or boring, when I came across this one from months ago. And I decided to finish it because no matter if you’re dating, single, or looking…it applies.
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In true Carrie Bradhsaw style, I was thinking on love tonight. And more specifically on that elusive “Number 10." I think girls settle a lot. (And I’m not talking about the kind of settling we normally associate with a guy - the quick thrill kind of settling.) I mean settling for someone who “looks good on paper” but doesn’t do much for a girl in person. You see it all the time...I call it the “mismatched couple.” It’s the Dead Freaking Sexy guy with the average girl or the smoking hot girl dating or married to a so-so guy. And I always think “how did that happen?” But I have my suspicions. I imagine Smoking Hot girl on the tail end of a breakup or, possibly dateless months out from a breakup when one of her friends gives her “the advice.”

The advice I hate. The advice that is the most ridiculous advice ever in the world. And that is:

“You’re too picky.”

Which is usually followed very closely by  “Just give so-and-so a chance. You might find him attractive later once you get to know him and see what a nice guy he is.”
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Why do we (and by “we” I clearly mean you because I don’t say this ish) ;) encourage our girlfriends to bark up a tree they have no interest in climbing?

Why is it frowned upon if we just say “I don’t think he’s hot. I’m not interested.” Why do we have to give everyone the politically-correct “chance” first?
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Who wants to be saddled with someone that doesn’t give them butterflies, that doesn’t make them go “Ryan Reynolds who?”, that doesn’t make them check their makeup oooone last time? Last time I checked, “all hot and bothered” was an amazing thing!

Some girls just know what they want. And I believe everyone has a right to be as picky as they want. Everyone has a right to weed through their options. I’ve totally been weeded out before. (However….it is appreciated if you dispose of your weeds nicely before bringing new flowers into the garden) ;)
I’m not trying to discount the importance of personality or a good heart or any of the other attributes that make a good person, I’ve simply never heard anyone’s love story start with “Well I didn’t’ think he was that attractive but boy, was he nice.”


Wouldn’t a girl rather be happily single and free to mix and mingle with whoever she wants than trudge through the muddy  waters of “Mr. SOOOO Nice” and “Mr. But he has a good heart?”


Eeeeeeek I get so nervous blogging about love!
What do you all think? Is too picky good advice or one for the dumpster? 


43 comments:

Jess - PrettyPhysicist said...

I find this post kinda funny. Ken always jokes about how I'm too pretty for him, and we probably look like a mis-matched couple when we walk down the street. I'm sure he's joking, but I wonder that sometimes when I see a couple. Honestly, I think to myself that whoever the less attractive one is must be good in bed! :) There was an episode of How I Met Your Mother where the characters talked about how in every couples, there is a person who is "reaching" and one who is "settling". I'm not sure I believe that, but it IS an interesting thought.

My advice is to not focus on looks, but personality. You need to be able to get along with a person and have conversation. People lose their looks LONG before they lose their ability to have conversation.

Taryn said...

Totally agree! Nothing wrong with being single in any case!!

Rorie said...

No. You are not too picky. First of all who as the right to determine what picky is!?
I was the same way though. I waited until I found the person that gave me butterflies and over years later he still does. He happens to be attractive but if he gave me butterflies and he was not as attractive I would have gave him a chance either way!

Superficial Sanctuary said...

Let's be serious, I didn't pick my barista boyfriend because he made a good latte. I picked him because he looked ridiculously sexy in his apron and Starbucks attire....and then he just happened to have a big ol' heart, too.

Looks are a great place to start. They aren't the be all and end all, but there needs to be attraction, no questions asked. Plus, "you're too picky" is just ABSURD. It's YOUR life, not theirs!

Elizabeth said...

I love this post! The part about disposing of weeds before you bring pretty flowers to the garden made me giggle. And I hardly ever smile before 9:00 am! Haha!

I don't think you are being too picky at all! I am sure there are some couples that are together today because one person "grew" on the other. But that is not the case with everyone. Sometimes, you just need that immediate attraction and spark. (Not saying looks are the only thing that matters.)

I think you are fine hun! When you meet Mr. Right, you will know!

XOXO
Blogging Blondie

Candice said...

I love this!! Great thoughts, and how true they are! So many people settle for far less than they hope for just so they aren't alone, or because others pressure them to "take that chance" like you mentioned. I totally agree..who's to say that "picky" is a bad thing? :)

The Whitfields said...

Totally agree! Way to many girls settle for less than the best!

Ashley said...

we must NEVER settle! the fear of being single for the rest of your life is a scary thought...trust me i've been there, but i refuse to settle for anything less than what i deserve. is it sooooo hard to just find a decent, attractive guy with a good job, works out and has some morals?!? lol. i enjoy reading your thoughts and feelings on love, ash!

Michelle said...

I love this post! Dating is definitely hard. I'm always going through crazy dates and not seeing anyone after the first and everyone says I'm too picky too. The way I see it is I'm not going to settle. I want the real thing and I deserve to be picky. I don't focus on looks but more so their personality and type of person they are. Looks are though included to some extent because you should have an attraction to them. But I always get to know them to see if their personality shines through and makes them seem more attractive to me. Hope this ramble all makes sense! HAHA

The right guy is out there! We will both find him :)

Lyndse said...

I love this!! I think this all the time, "That guy can't possibly be with that girl!" I have been told time and time again that "I'm too picky" or like you said, "Just give them a chance" well...I have given those guys chances and it just wasn't there. I think being picky is ok to a degree. Why should we settle for anything less than butterflies. We deserve that much, no?

xoxo

Brooke said...

Nothing wrong with being single and there is definitely nothing wrong with being picky. The right guy is out there...I believe that wholeheartedly. And if not, I'm gonna enjoy being single : )

Ronna said...

Totally agreed! I dated the nice guy for 2 years, and I just never found him attractive and tried desperately to be in love with him because he was such a great person. It just never happened and I finally had to end it. So being dead sexy is definitely a MUST for me now :)

P!nky said...

WOW girl this is a great post! So true true true! While I believe you can't judge a book by it's cover and can't write someone off because of one thing, I do believe there is a feeling you get. It might not be RIGHT away, but there is something to be said for nature and the natural pull you feel towards someone (ryan reynolds para tu!). It's the NATURE of the world.

I settled once with a guy who treated me very well, was well off and was much older than me. But sadly I never felt the butterflies and it caused pain on both sides. I have told myself since then NOT to settle just to be comfortable.

However, I don't believe in the PERFECT person beause no one is perfect. There is a MATCH for everyone out there though.

YOU ARE FABULOUS!!!! xoxo

Rebecca said...

I always get told IM too picky! I just dont want to settle for a jerk!

Jen said...

I agree. I 10000% REFUSE to ever "settle." I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than settle, because I've seen far too many people do this and now they are miserable and stuck with someone they don't truly love. I want the butterflies every day, crazy attraction that will never run out. I actually just ended my 4year relationship last night, the attraction was definitely there but his personality was horrible.. so I guess I have to find a balance!

Jen said...
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Rissy said...

AMEN SISTER!

After my love life basically got turned upside down, I started trying to be "reasonable" and "logical" and tried to give guys a chance. I shouldn't have. I didn't like them to begin with, and I didn't like them in the end.

We might be single for awhile Ash, but we sure will be happy once we're not : )

Thanks for posting this... it was basically a reminder to me.

Instead of ABC- Always be closing, we need WNS- will never settle. I'll make bracelets hahah

Elle Sees said...

i like being picky!
and i write all the time too--it baffles me when bloggers say they can't think of anything to write on. I've currently 362 ideas!
ps: I accidentally posted 2 posts today, so scroll down for today's real post

Sarah Elizabeth said...

oh my gosh! I completely agree with you! I wonder about that too when I see some couples- I actually was talking about this last night to T. I have friends ask me all the time for "love advice" and it always makes me feel awkward ha I think being picky is a good thing and that you should always keep your standards high!

Young and Fabulous said...

i COMPELTELY agre. Girls do settle a lot.

i think i settled for my previous boyfriend because he was older and had a car and i felt cool. Wow i feel horrible for saying that! all my friends told me he was ugly..personality wise and physically (i was like ok thanks...but as time went on, i began to see it, and wondered why i even got into the relationship)

but as you said, someone was like "oh hes so nice you have to go on a date with him!" thats how it all started!

i think every girl deserves their "omg even after 5 years i still love this guy more and more" type of guy :-)

loved this post ashley..love love love

xoxox

Chelsea said...

I'm so glad you wrote about this! I want more posts like this haha! You're so on point with it all. If we know what we want and he's not it, then DON'T settle. Don't even keep him tagged along for "fun" until Mr. Right comes along.

Even if we don't know exactly what we want, and are still figuring that out but know that he's NOT it, um still don't settle. Why should we waste our time on someone that isn't a 10 in our books? Because Mr. Perfect for Us IS out there! And I'm not even talking about looks either. I've found myself giving a guy a chance even when his personality or intelligence isn't what I'm looking for. Those things WILL matter when you're married to them so they should matter when we're just dating too. Just sayin' :) Love this!!

Katie said...

Completely agree with you...like usual! and I'm not just saying that. Never settle for less than butterflies, girl! You deserve it. The right man you deserve and are "hot and bothered for" will come around hahaha I don't think that just passing time with someone who you know you don't love, gets anyone anywhere. Love your honesty :)

Sabrina Says said...

I completely agree!! I NEED that physical attraction. And it's not that you're shallow or anything if you look for that... how are you supposed to keep that spark alive?!

Too Picky is something I have heard before too...but I really don't care. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than marry some guy that I can't say that I'm proud of and want to show off to all my friends.

And these standards are so personal. All the matters is that he is the hottest in the world TO YOU :) LOVE YOU!

Sabrina Says

Shannon said...

Huh - I personally believe that as you get older, and try to find the "one", looks definitely take a backseat in the order of importance of finding super hubby. Don't get me wrong, attraction HAS to be there. But it isn't a top priority.

When I was 21, I was engaged to a doctor who also modeled on the side. Seems like I had the perfect man, right? Well, I broke off that engagement because it just wasn't right.

8 years later, Andy proposed to me. And although he hasn't landed any modeling gigs, I still find him handsome (although his looks weren't at the top of my list when we first started dating).

Long comment short - attraction has to be there, but I don't think it should be the number one qualifier. Or else you'll marry the doctor/model who doesn't make you happy....

Danielle and Trev said...

Agreed. I think physical attraction gets you interested, and then you get to find out amazing thing after amazing thing about said hottie over time! Our love story is a little something like this:

http://trevanddaniellehansen.blogspot.com/p/him-her.html

And I still look at him every day and melt! (and I listen to him every day and melt, too!) Just hold out for the whole package girls!!! It is so so SO beyond worth it!
Love your blog!

Sam {fitnessfoodandfaith.blogspot.com} said...

loved the post and love all these comments :)

i can honestly say that i have yet to see a guy (in real life) that i am more attracted to physically than the hubs. it's such an exhilerating feeling to be so drawn to someone! i'm sure that as i've gotten to know him better and seen how much he cares about people and treasures me, i find him more and more attractive...but that physical spark is definitely still there.

nothing wrong with being overly picky, chica! and you are totally a hottie, so mr. run-with-me better be dang fine!

Brianna said...

dumpster!!!
people are always telling me that! But it's so true! Attraction is an important element. No one should have to force themselves to "go along with it". I say, if you aren't feeling it at first, then it's a no!! No need to waste YOUR time or his.
settling is what leads to divorce (: maybe not in all cases... but if the person thinks they are settling, won't they have feelings of resentment or regret later on? I say, no need for the heartbreak. Just don't get into it first off and all will end well!

Keri said...

I was previously married and going back into the dating world after being with someone for 7 years is hard. I have been single for about 1.5 years now and have had my fair share of interesting dates. I get told all the time that I am too picky and my criteria is ridiculous. A male friend of mine said I was being to hard on this one guy so to prove it to him that it wasn't pickiness, I agreed to go out with this one guy I felt was def NOT going to be the one. And i was right. Also, and if it comes across as shallow, so be it but physical attraction plays an important part in relationships. I have days where I lose hope that I will never find THE ONE but with each date I go on, I learn something more about myself and what I do and do not want.

And as they say....... Someone will come along when you least expect it.....

Allison said...

This is so my life. All of my friends are either married, engaged, or in very serious relationships. I'm single and have been since May 2009, and I'm okay with that. All of my friends feel the need to fix me up with guys that are NOT MY TYPE. My favorite line from a friend? "He's not super good-looking, but he's really funny." Really?! This is coming from a friend whose fiance is a total hottie. I want both. I want a guy that makes me swoon AND laugh. And I'm not settling until I find it.

Alex said...

One word: Agreed.

Shug in Boots said...

What I've found is that for people I know, they go after the butterflies feeling initially ... and THEN they do their settling, when they find out he is a douche/selfish/lacks ambition, etc. They don't want to "start all over" or "but I love him" or some other lame excuse. It's disgusting. :(

Angie said...

I love this post! People tell me I'm too picky, but I believe you have to be attracted to the guy first. Obviously, personality will win out in the end, but if you don't get "hot and bothered" or butterflies....then it's just not as fun :)

I also have a love/hate relationship with guys that make me wonder. I hate it when guys call or text too much. A little mystery is more attractive to me than a guy who tells me what he's doing 24 hours of the day. On the flip side, the guys that make me wonder, drive me crazy at times!

Pamela said...

hi girlie! new follower here, I love your blog!!! I am a native atlantan but live in charlotte, nc - always good to read fellow ATL ladies blogs!
keep in touch!
Pam

Angel said...

i enjoy being picky! i don't think we should lower standards. of course there's a difference between lowering standards and being stuck-up and rude about it. but girls shouldn't settle on average people.. and especially not you! love ya!

Recently Roached said...

I really like this! It's better to be single and happy than with someone and miserable. I agree we shouldn't tell our girlfriends to bark up the wrong tree! :)

agroeper said...

It's definitely important to be attracted to someone's looks. No, looks aren't everything but you have to have some kind of physical attraction. In my opinion, at least! :)

meme-and-he said...

love the honesty in this post. But the truth is...being physically attracted to your bf or husband is so very important! crucial, I would say! and we shouldn't write that off as shallow. Obviously personality, beliefs, and character are all equaly important...but I think we all KNOW that. We aren't out to date or marry our guy friends. We want to fall in LOVE.
officially stepping off my pedestal.

Lindsey said...
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Lindsey said...

Completely agree on all accounts. Like I couldn't have written this more perfectly myself. SOOOOO many of my friends (IMHO) got married because they wanted a wedding and because the guy looked good on paper. (Had money, etc.) Not saying all, but I think a lot. They all look at me all crazy because I'm single and I don't date. Sorry, but I'm not dating anyone under 6 foot, who is balding and/or had a gut. That's my preference and I'm allowed to have it. No dude wants to date a 300 pounder, they aren't attracted to that. I'm not attracted to a midge. Same difference. I need a MAN! And they all make fun of me, you are too picky. No bitch, I'm not too picky I just know what what I want and I'll wait until I'm 50 if I have to find it. Anywho, I could go on for days but I completely 11111000000 million percent agree. LOVE YOU!

She Speaks said...

Loved this post. The minute you feel like you are truly settling...you probably are. But keep in mind, eventually the butterflies will be gone and you have to truly love the one your with. Listen to no one...but yourself. XOXO

Rach @ This Italian Family said...

As James Dobson said, "Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without." So true. :)

| C AND C | Sarmin said...

"I'm known to walk alone, but I'm alone for a reason." (Yeah, Beyonce song.)

Reason being, dudes in AZ, just eh! & short.

xo SARMIN

Seashells and Southern Belles said...

girl, I am just now getting around to really reading this. wow. best. post. ever. so true... and echos 99% of our conversations, ha. So glad you talked about it, girls need to STOP doing it!!!!