Monday, October 17, 2011

Mall Creeper

Sometimes we joke in our family that I'm a“moron magnet.”

Only sometimes it’s not a joke.

Take for instance the time I was in the mall a few weeks back.

I’m headed briskly from Nordies to Zara when I hear “Excuse me miss!”
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I think maybe I’ve dropped something so I turn around.

Headed toward me is an incredibly wooly mammoth of a man – we’re talking sweater arms and neck hair that looked like it could eat his face.

Que the kick-yourself-in-the-pants feeling for turning around

Then he says “Hi, I um saw you walking by and thought you were so beautiful.”

Why thank you stranger man I don’t know.

Without a break…he goes on into the weirdest segway ever….

“So I was watching this special on ABC the other night about roller coasters and how people get a thrill off it…..”
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At this point, I stopped listening because all I could hear was my dad’s voice in my head:
“Trust no one.”
“Everyone’s a suspect.”

And I totally start thinking “This guy is going to grab me and hold me as a mall hostage!”

So I begin to back up and put some distance between us.

After a few more seconds I interrupt him and say

“Ok I gotta run.”

He takes a step towards me and says

“Well ugh, you seem like a fascinating girl…would you like to hang out later?”

I thought about telling him the truth – that I don’t hang out with creepers and he really needs to get a better approach…..and a razor.
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But then I thought that might lead to him following me to my car and killing me. 

And ya’ll, dying in the bloomies parking lot is not on my 2011 Bucket List

So I did what any girl in my position would do.

I told him I was dating someone.

And then he responded with the oh-so witty “Oh well, he can come too.”

Ya’ll some people are socially awkward….and it’s a real shame.  #truth

34 comments:

Diana Mieczan said...

Oh my goodness..what a weird person. Hope you had a great weekend, sunshine. Happy Monday

Jess - PrettyPhysicist said...

Too funny. I'm glad to see I'm not the only one that seems to attract creepers, although mine are usually at the gym and usually of the smelly (not hairy) variety ...

Rissy said...

bahahahahah ohhh how does this remind me of the guy that approached me in the Sheetz parking lot yesterday... WHAT IS WITH PEOPLE!?

seriously though Ashley... roller coasters are really fun ; )


CarissaExplainsItAll

Whitney said...

Haha! People are so weird. In the past, I've attracted weirdo strangers and weirdo people I work with. I'm just would love to know what they were thinking, because I know I did not send them a signal. One time at the mall this guy must have followed me through Macys and into the parking lot. He started off by saying I'm beautiful and then later asked for an *ahem sexual favor. I was floored. He said, he would give me $100. I said no and started walking towards my car. More like running. He said, you can do it for free. I'm not a hoe. I wasn't even dressed like on either. It was winter. I had skinny jeans, boots, turtleneck and sweater on. Haha. GROSS. CREEPER ALERT.

Angel said...

haha hilarious! i'm always so paranoid about people talking to me in public places.

Ashley said...

haha. you have the best stories :)

thats weird .. I would have done the same thing...

Amanda said...

Yikes!! What a creepster!!

maggie_rane said...

HAHAHA, as Jenna says, "the ones that have enough nerve to talk to you are never the ones you want to talk to!"

Beth said...

oh my lanta. SOOOOOO creepy. i don't know what i would have done in that sitch. but is it okay that i was lol'n in real life reading this? trying picture you running from a "wooleybooger" in the mall is horrifying yet funny.

Brunette & Blessed said...

ewww...girl that when you kick of your heels and ruN!!

Whitney said...

Ohmygoodness! What a creepy mcreepster. I would have killed to see your face. Happy monday!

Shalyn said...

Ahhhh creepy Ash! That makes my tummy turn! There are so many weirdos out there!

On another note, I rode roller coasters this weekend and I have to agree with the guy, though.

;)

Love you!

Ashley said...

WOW - LMAO. SERIOUSLY??? Guess they just help themselves when they see ya, Ash ;)

Jen said...

so annoying! I was trying to do work in a Starbucks the other day when this lady cornered me and was going on and on about government conspiracies and how her money is being taken and she had all these numbers written out and she'd just stare at me until I responded to everything she said... I just want to be left alone!! :)

megan said...

Gross! What a creeper!!

asj said...

whaaaaaaaaaaat?! so ridiculously awkward!

jayme said...

you and dash have a double date!!!! :)

Nuha said...

omg bahahahah you poor thing!!

Sarah Elizabeth said...

I swear stuff like that always happens to me too!! One time I was at a gas station minding my own business pumping my gas and this guy next to me goes "mmmm girl, you is fine" I tried to just ignore him and was about to get into my car and then he goes "you is definitely the wifey type..you ain't already married are you?" to which I replied "yes" (when obvs I'm not even engaged) and then he goes "ohh well he sure is a lucky guy mmmhmmm" HOW AWKWARD..ever since then when my gas light is on..I get T to go pump my gas. ha

Alex said...

hahahahaha oh my gosh. Considering the situation, I think you handled it well!! Now I have a hilarious image in my head of a wooly mammoth man!

ilene @ muchloveilly said...

too weird! i need to give you the reject number (heard of those? it's basically a voicemail that tells them they've been rejected) that i gave to creeps in chicago - ha! i probably shouldn't have gone that far but i had too much fun with it. ;)

Shannon said...

Uhhhhh....that's the creepiest pick up line ever. I'm glad you're still alive.

My husband told me last night that if we were to meet for the first time again, he would tell me that I was like a big toe. Because he would bang me on the coffee table. He's a casanova, I tell you. :)

Sam {fitnessfoodandfaith.blogspot.com} said...

he can come too?!?! for reals?? what a crazy :)

Young and Fabulous said...

he can come too?!?! OMG ashley I cant breathe lol

what the HECK does the roller coaster comment have anything to do with ANYTHING! lol that is so weird

you should have said, ok my boyfriend and I will hang out with you if we can shave your whole body

thatd creep him off...or mayeb he would like it ;-)

hahah this is amazing

xoxox

Shug in Boots said...

Holy Shiz! That is beyond whack. WTH do these dudes think? Poor thing. I woulda been scared to death.

Aimee said...

I'm a total moron magnet too so you are not alone! People are so freaking weird!!!! Glad you got away safe (;

Tabitha Lynn said...

Hahaha I used to say I was dating someone too, haha. Maybe he was a bear? He was at the mall.

Ginger said...

HAAAAA! Too funny, yet creepy!

Megan said...

Hahaha. Oh my gosh, I can't believe that he ran after you! What a dork! I hate when men are super cheeseballs and try to pick up women in non-smooth and manly ways! But you are super hot, so I can see where he was coming from. : )

She Speaks said...

oH WOW. How awkward? That is really crazy. And I am glad you dind't die in Bloomies parkinglot.

jessica {creative index} said...

oh my goodness... what a creeper! why are people so weird?!

Brianna said...

Hahahahahah I am dying right now. tooooo too great. oh goodness. People are so crazy sometimes.

Maggie said...

Wow that is so bizarre! Way to go with the quick thinking.

And I don't blame you for not having that at a place to dye on your bucket list :)

Glad you're okay!

Seashells and Southern Belles said...

oh. my. gosh. This is the same shat that happens to me... I CANNOT that believe that guys are such creepers. Like really. Does he think a pretty girl is just going to go hang out with him after he throws her a linke about ROLLER COASTERS and asks her bf to come along?! I swear that has to be the same guy that has came up to me in Target AND in the mall. #weattractcreepers