Monday, April 4, 2011

That Time I Had a Really Awkward Date

I think enough time has gone by for me to finally share this story – enough time being two years. What story you ask?
My really awkward date story.

So I met this guy at a work event….for all intensive purposes, we’ll refer to him as HADG (Horrible Awkward Date Guy). We talked for maybe 5 minutes and in those 300 seconds, he seemed normal. About 10 hours later I had a Facebook friend request from him. Red Flag number one: Too eager is a sure fire identifier of a stage five clinger.

For a solid 3 months he asked me out – facebook message, email, calls, texts (Tip for the wise: Don’t EVER put your cell phone on your business card!) I used every deflection tactic possible but finally got tired of saying no so I caved. He had wanted to meet at the Wild Wings but I decided that was a little too public and opted for a hole-in-the-wall pizza place.

After being 10 minutes late HADG “ran” to the bathroom – FIVE minutes later he reappeared. I don’t know what went down in there nor do I want to know but seriously, that amount of time should not be spent in a public bathroom.
The entire dinner was akward. I've erased it from my memory so I have very little to share except that we ordered a pizza, my grandpa had a better personality....my ear has a better personality...and the whole thing lasted 30 minutes. Then the bill came.

He picks up the bill, gives this horrible look as if his grandma just died and then says “I feel bad making you split this since you only ate one slice.” WHAT?!  After stalking me for a date for 3 months you then ask me to split a pizza bill with you? I wordlessly threw cash across the table at HADG. He said "thanks" with a smile as he put the leftovers in a to-go box which he took home.

As we're sitting there in silence he asked me if I had gum. A piece of wrigley's was slung in his general direction as we waited for our 12-year old waitress to finish twirling her hair, snapping her multiple-rubber-banded wrist, flirting with a fellow waiter and bring our bill back.

She finally came and we made our way to the door....me frantically scanning and throwing up numerous prayers that I wouldn't see anyone I knew. Once outisde I said lied "Ok thanks - that was fun." Inside I was wondering what exactly it was I was thanking him for? at 35 minutes and 12 seconds into our "date" he responded that he'd walk me to my car. Seriously? We weren't even in a bad part of town and at that point....I think I would have walked through Compton on my own. Out of the corner of my eye I see him chuck his gum in the bush. Oh yes - he did. Smooth huh? When we reached my car he totally tried the shock-and-awe-lean-in-go-for-it maneuver which I aptly ducked out of the way of with no less than a huge shudder at the thought of what could have just happened had it not been for my cat-like reflexes.


Oh it gets better……he then asked me if I wanted to come back to his place “meet his dog AND mom and watch a movie.” Try keeping a straight face to that one ladies. I really wanted to tell him that as much as I wanted to meet his MOM after 38 minutes and 10 seconds, I just felt it was too soon but instead I politely declined by saying I had a physics test to take....which at the time was not a lie. There is little more in this world I hate than physics - excpet for maybe this date.


Which apparently was a success in HADG's mind because for two solid years I heard from him every.single.month. And to answer your wondering minds....I never went out with him again.

And if for some reason HADG you’re reading this, part of me is sorry and part of me thinks you should probably hear this anyway.

The End.

41 comments:

Diana Mieczan said...

Oh my goddness..Im so sorry! That is one bad date for sure and he made you pay? Wow..what a guy! Happy Monday, sunshine
Muah

Tucker said...

we've all had them. they make you appreciate the real thing when he comes along.

ugh though... splitting the bill and then taking the pizza home. some people... where do they come up with this stuff?

*Allie* said...

Too funny! This guy is legendary. I wonder if he has figured out what a creeper he is.

I just wrote about good dates over on my blog: http://alieinwonderland.blogspot.com/
Come on over and tell me about one of your good dates :-)

Abby said...

Hilarious! I've had to deal with an awful date who then wanted to split the bill too. Knowing I was a vegetarian, he spent a large amt of time talking about all these exotic meat dishes he had in Italy (describing what parts of the animal they were), and then when the check came he didn't even pause when he asked the waiter to split the bill. And I think he asked me exactly ZERO questions about myself the whole time.
haha, yours probably still beats mine though ;)

Something Old, Something New said...

oh wow, that is definitely one horrible date story. Making you pay for the bill and taking the leftovers home?? That's awful.

Young and Fabulous said...

hahah I am dying

I cant believe he made you split the bill after harassing you for months...redic!

and I love the "lean in slowly" move that guys think works ALL. THE. TIME!

I would have grabbed the pizza box and double o 7'd out of there when I got to my car and screamed out the window "and next time you wanna take a massive dump on a date with me, do it before the date!!"

xoxox I hope HADG reads this haha

Rissy said...

oh my God! "I'd walk through compton by myself" hahahaha
I begged my bf on our way to LAX to get off the compton exit just to see it.

This sounds like my last dating situation... that I allowed to continue for 2 weeks. Seriously asked me to go to lunch with his mom and sister... ummm we haven't hung out ALONE more than once.

Can you write more of these?! I am dying right now.

CarissaExplainsItAll

Virginia Belle said...

This is hilarious! But I am so sorry you had to go through such a horrific date! I cannot believe he asked to split the bill and then proceeded to take the leftovers. The nerve!

Katie said...

hilarious! Clearly this one missed the class on social skills!

Beth said...

oh.my.lanta. that is so embarrassing. on his part. what a lame-o dude! ugh! but your re-telling had me cracking up!

esp this part..."We weren't even in a bad part of town and at that point....I think I would have walked through Compton on my own"

Sam {fitnessfoodandfaith.blogspot.com} said...

WOW. great story!!! poor kid, i hope he does read this...maybe he could pull it together?!

Katie said...

LOL! I can't help but laugh at how awkward you must've felt. I can just picture you counting down the minutes until you could leave. Luckily I've never had a date like this but it does make for a great story!!!

Lindsey said...

LMAO! I loved this post. hahahahahaa OMG, stage 5's are THE WORST. Like seriously, GET A FREAKING CLUE! How many ways does a girl have to show you she's not interested?? I met a guy at a bar once and apparently gave him my number. I had zero receollection of this, didn't know his name, what he looked like, etc. I get his name to add him on fb so I could see what he looked like. DISGUST! Overweight and gross. He had a picture of him posing in women's underwear and he was upwards of 300 lbs. WOMEN'S BOYSHORTS. He was bending over with his little pinky in his mouth. WHAT? Not cute! This FREAK proceeds to text, fb comment and fb message me relentlessly for months. I NEVER responded. He would just keep asking me what was up, how was i, we should meet up. DUDE, IM NOT RESPONDING TO YOU, JUST STOP! Finally I just had to delete him. I couldn't take it anymore. Some guys just don't get it. It's sad. And it's a wonder why I'm single? I only meet FREAKS!

Shalyn said...

Woooooooooooooow! You'd think he would get the hint!? I can't believe that he made you pay...I would have just stared at him and said, Sorry I didn't bring any money. What a jerkface!!! But loved reading this anyway :)

Candice said...

Hahah oh my word that's terrible! I cannot believe he wanted to split the bill, and then ask you to go meet his mom and dog..gracious!!

Suze said...

Hahaahah i love this! I'm sorry girl you had to go through it but least you didnt use an excuse like your grandma is sick to get out of it bc it was going so bad! LOL. Have a great monday!!!!

Jennifer said...

ahhh ohmygoooosh! at least you have a funny story to tell after all the bs you had to endure! =) silver lining? <3

xoXOxo
Jenn @ Peas & Crayons

Shannon said...

just found your blog. love your style.

and i really really really hope this guy reads your blog. he needs to be put in his place. ;)

Molly said...

wow, that's terrible! i cannot believe this story. and the worst part is that he seemed completely unaware! i think we've all had one of those dates.

here's to MUCH better ones in the future!

Ashley said...

OMG! Are you serious??? Wow! That guy is a trip! Too funny! I think we've all had a least one or two bad dates! LOL. Love it, Ash!

Megan said...

Oh my gosh, this is absolutely hilarious!! I feel somewhat bad for you, but I love the way that you have retold the story!! What a creep!! I guess you made him so nervous that he had to go poo??

MJ said...

That is the worst date ever!! How hilarious though....

amber said...

hahaha oh man that does sound like the worst date ever!

jillian :: cornflake dreams. said...

omg what a crazy cakes! i cannot believe that he asked you to pay for half.. i really wish you would have taken the leftovers. ah well.. lesson learned. no more cell numbers on business cards. and facebk blocking is always an option. xoxo jcd

Jamie said...

Oh my gosh...how crazy! I can't believe he made you split the bill after practically stalking you for a date!

natasha {schue love} said...

SUCH a good story!!! OMG, how ridiculous! I just can't believe he didn't at least pay! Sheesh!

Michelle said...

Such a good story! Hilarious! I have datedd way too many to count "losers" HAHA We should start a horror dating stories blog!!!!

Tiffany said...

Oh my gosh, this seriously made my day. I'm so glad it's not just me who finds myself in these horrible situations. Bless his heart....talk about clueless!

~Tiffany
http://tiffanyd22.blogspot.com

Jana said...

oh my gosh... that could def be one of the worst dates I've ever heard of.. all of that is bad. I can't believe he tried to make you split the check anddd meet his mom andddd kiss you..ewww My skin is crawling for you just reading this. I can't believe he kept trying... wow. He definitely was born without a cool filter...

meme-and-he said...

bahaha this is fabulous! You poor thing. I can't believe he made you pay!!

Michaela said...

OH MY WORD. This is so funny. I've had quite a few incidences that went similarly to this one!
For example, a guy invited me to an art museum for a date then when the cashier told us it was 18 each i sa he only gave a 20, so I started fumbling in my purse for some money. Luckily I had a 20 on me!

THEN...
after, we had to catch the BUS back to school and on our way we went into a coffee shop. I got tea and it was $1.59. He's all, "oh, I've got this...it's on me." YEAH IT'S ON YOU, it's freaking 1.59.
stupid.
haha (:

I also just paused and read the whole story to my roommate. We are dying.

Brittany said...

Hahaha thats awful!! I'm so sorry but it makes for a good story!

Stephanie and Such said...

WOW. That trumps all bad dates! The fact he asked you to split it and then asked you to go home with him and then still has the nerve to kiss you? Uhhh? Buddy? Read a dating book and move out to be with peopl your own age, you might get a hint or two! hahah. Thanks for sharing! Last year I was on some pretty bad blind dates myself!

megan said...

Ohhhhhhh my goodness. Where do I even start? Splits the bill, doesn't offer you any of the leftovers, then wants you to come home and meet Mama?!? Absolutely not. Sad thing is, he probably has no clue how lame he is.

christine donee said...

We should totally swap bad date stories.. boy do I have a few. Don't we all? At least it makes for a very entertaining post, right?

Tatiana said...

Oh, you poor, poor girl. I can't believe that after that terrible date, he attempted to kiss you. I almost threw up a little in my mouth. And then he asked you to go home with him? Sometimes I just wonder how many times people have been dropped on their heads as babies.

LR said...

Hahaha...meet his MOM?? Hilarious. Sorry you had to go through that one my dear, but it is an especially funny story and will make you even more thankful for great guys :) Thanks for all the luck on Chicago I am soooo excited!!

jayme said...

amazing idea! if you don't mind, i may write about my worst date of all time (including him ordering a ceasar salad for me and a diet tonic... umm...) only to complain about the $37 bill that was apparently too much for his golf pro income.

ohh the things we do for men. hahah

Glocal Girl said...

This made me laugh so hard at work (while eating a banana)!!! What a horrible time and what a dbag making you split a pizza bill. I've had a handful of bad, albiet good story, dates but I think this one takes the cake. Some guys out there.... ridiculous.

X
Jeanelle @ Glocal Girl

Nicole said...

Wow, that is a pretty horrible yet funny story! I can't believe what he did with the check. And the stalking? Wow!

Katie said...

Do you want another date like this one? Haha