Thursday, April 15, 2010

strange contentment

When things all went south about a year and a half ago, I remember one particular conversation out of probably a dozen I had with my mom. I remember very clearly her telling me that sometimes God doesn’t work in our lives until we’re content where He has us at that moment. Her comments made me angry because I didn’t for a second believe they were true. There was no way I could ever just be content and lackadaisical without the things in my life I knew I wanted…and was certain I needed.

It wasn’t until some recent things these past two weeks that caused me to reflect back on that time for me to realize that, oddly, I am content. I never received any of the things on my “list”; the things and people I was positive I needed. The things I lost sleep over. Lost weight over. Lost hours, days and months over. The dreams are still there-some of the same ones, some new ones. But there’s also a peace about waiting it out. A strange, extremely unfamiliar peace. It’s odd (even to me) to realize about halfway through my day that I didn’t wake up thinking about those things I so desperately wanted. And when I do think about them, there’s not an ache, there’s a hope.

I realized then that I don’t deal well with personal heartache. I learned this month that I deal even worse when one of my family experiences heartache. How I wish I could transfer that peace or at least the reassurance that it does…very strangely….come.

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