Monday, July 6, 2009

Rainbows and Butterflies

I use this blog as kind of an “online journal" - Since I only have 2followers, feel like there’s a sense of anonymity and ability to be open. The one follower I know, knows all this about me anyway! I guess if I ever get a large following I'll go back to blogging about unemotional celebrity gossip!

But until then, I will probably continue to pour out my emotions more than I should about heartaches and disappointments, exciting events and things I’m learning. It happens to be a very nostalgic time for me – not in a good way. This time last year I thought I’d be getting engaged this summer, marrying someone I was passionately in love with and becoming part of a family I already viewed as my own; the title of 'aunt ashley' only becoming “official” instead of just blushing when the kids called me that. "Last Year Me" wasn’t thrilled with my job but I didn’t really care or put effort into finding anything new because I just wanted to be close to him - wherever he was. One thing I’ve learned is that if you’re happy personally it’s JUST A JOB. It may suck but if it’s paying the bills, just make it through the day because you get to come home to the one you love!

So I’m sad today because I never wanted it to be this way. I still want to be "Last Year Me"-the girlfriend of my police officer. I never wanted it to be a year. Or to care this much a year later...I never wanted to think of the guy I love ever loving anyone but me. Those are feelings I didn’t know what to do with and some days when they sneak up, I still don’t know how to handle them. I know it's stupid but I feel sorry for "Last Year Me" - I had no idea then what this day would mean, what I was about to go through and all the heartache I would feel.

I know it's not all sadness..."Last Year Me" found myself completely alone with not one single friend nearer than 2.5 hours away. Not one. I was forced to initiate making friends on my own - not have him there. I still have my college besties but now I have a couple comfortable (and local) friendships too!

The one thing I was so unambitious about (my job) was the first thing I tried to change. I set out on an exhaustive job search thinking if I left the town I fell in love in I'd either forget about him or he'd miss me and come to where I was (I secretly hoped for the 2nd more). The job hunt went nowhere but i guess the most surprising thing is that I discovered my interest in sonography – a complete 360 from my industry.

I remember my mom telling me she didn't think God was going to do anything in my life until I was content where He had me and I remember telling her very angrily that if that was true, then He was never going to do anything because I couldn't be happy or content apart from him. it has been a LONG road (one that I'm sure my friends can attest to) but what she said was true. There did come a point where I finally said "ok God, I'll be content with whatever You do because i'm literally tired of being sad every day." It wasn't immediate but I did see God begin to work in my life - making friends, discovering sonography.

A lot of me wishes it would all just go away and we could be in love again. But I wish too for a relationship where there is no fear, there are no doubts.

I still love him. I still miss him every single day. I still question a lot why this happened and probably will for awhile. All the little things still hurt - the dates I hear about, the facebook pictures, knowing he didn't want me. it's not an issue of deserving better. he was the one i gave my heart to, the first one i could just lose myself with and for that i'll probably always love him. but i hope i don't always need him or our memories.

I never wanted this day to come. It is NOT ideal. It is not what I wanted. It is certainly not rainbows and butterflies but it is what’s now and it’s what I have to work with and I know that by God's grace I'll make it through.


Kayla said...

I love this post with you letting me know how you are feeling even though i'm 600 miles away. its good to see how far you've come since then and what God has done in your life, but its even better that you know where you want to go and what you have to do to get on with this year you.

Nikki said...

You wrote this 2 years ago and it still touched me. I actually teared up reading it. Not because I felt bad for you but because I felt your pain as it is so similar to mine. I adore what you mom said "God wasn't going to do anything in my life until I was content where He had me." I want to remind myself of that everyday. Thank you so much for sharing all of this, I have truly become a follower now.

Katie said...

So I'm super broken-hearted for you. Because or this heartbreak and now your current one. How do some things not seem to change? Baffles me. I love you lots and lots and oodles and oodles and I'll be here until the day the broken hearts end (and after that too)